


Forced Vacation

by The_King_In_Yellow



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Gen Work, General, Humor, batman needs a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 17:43:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11063961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_King_In_Yellow/pseuds/The_King_In_Yellow
Summary: The Joker thinks it's high time that Batman took a break. He has a plan to make sure Batman actually rests for once in his life.





	Forced Vacation

The Joker let out his signature laugh, a grating, maniacal sound that echoed in the empty warehouse. 

"Looks like I've got you this time, Bats!" He cackled, leaning over Batman. The caped crusader was chained to an enormous vat. What it had once been used for was anyone's guess, but at the moment the massive vessel was empty. 

"A momentary setback." Batman growled, twisting against the chain that bound him. If only he could reach the file he had hidden away in his gauntlet... 

The Joker scowled, his grin replaced with a look of... concern? Batman might have been talking back, but he just wasn't his usual killjoy self! Frowning, the Joker invaded Batman's space until they were mere inches apart.

Underneath his cowl, Batman's eyes were bloodshot and shadowed. His movements had been slow, which had led to his capture. It was almost like he was... exhausted. The Joker clucked his tongue as he straightened up, shaking his head like a disappointed parent.

"Have you ever been to Japan, Batsy?" The Joker asked, his hands clasped behind his back as he began to pace in front of his captive. "They've got this funny little word in the land of the rising sun. Ka-ro-shi!" Joker said, punctuating each syllable with a stomp of his foot. Batman frowned as he listened to Joker's inane ranting, still trying to reach his any tool that might help him reach his freedom. "It means death by overwork, Batsy. And in Japan, this is an honorable way to go! Sort of like a samurai committing harakiri. Now, I'm no expert on honor, but that seems kind of... counter intuitive to me." Joker continued, still pacing. "What's the American saying? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?" In seconds, Joker was face to face with Batman, his breath hot on Batman's cheeks. " _You're_ Jack, Bats! You're working yourself into an early grave, and I can't have that! Who would laugh at all my jokes?" The Joker's lips curled into an exaggerated pout, an obscene mockery of real emotion. 

"So! I've come to a decision!" The Joker said, clapping his hands as he stood up straight once more.

"A decision. Really." Batman said flatly, clearly not impressed.

"A decision!" The Joker was manic now, his face twisted in a grin. "You're taking a vacation! And I'm going to make sure of it!" Even Batman couldn't stifle the thrill of apprehension that gripped him. What was the Joker planning...?

He didn't have long to wait. The Joker simply grabbed the nearest blunt object and hefted it in his bony hands. Batman eyed the sledgehammer suspiciously. It wasn't hard to tell where this was going, and Batman was already planning around it. Wait for the Joker to get close, kip up to dodge the blow, kick the weapon out of his hands-

Unfortunately, Batman had failed to take into account that the Joker was going to specifically avoid a fatal blow. Instead of taking the time to get close and get a good swing in, he spun and threw the sledgehammer with all his might. Even as Batman tried to dodge at the last second, the head of the hammer crashed into his shin. A sickening crunch echoed through the warehouse as Batman fought the urge to vomit. Pain lanced through his entire body, and despite his best efforts to fight it, he felt himself starting to lose consciousness. The last thing he saw was the Joker looming over him and reaching for his utility belt. 

"Sleep well, Batsy~"

* * *

 

Really, it was child's play once Batman was unconscious. Just a few minutes of fiddling with his utility belt and the Joker located the button that recalled the Batmobile. As fun as a joy ride sounded, poor Batsy needed his rest! So the Joker cut Batman down and dragged his limp body to his overly souped-up car. He threw Batman half-hazardly into the front seat, humming to himself as he looked for the autopilot. 

"Home, home, time to go home!" Joker grinned as he smacked the return button. He stepped back, listening to the purr of the engine as the Batmobile began to steer itself out of the warehouse. "Have a good vacation, Bats! Don't forget to write~" He sang, waving to the car as it sped away.

Now, he had to do SOMETHING to ensure Batman actually rested... The Joker didn't put it past him to try and work on a broken leg. Really, the man was a lunatic! The Joker had to do something about the... unsavory element of Gotham City, otherwise Batman would never rest.

Snapping his fingers, the Joker felt a wicked smile split his face. He had just the idea...

* * *

 

Bruce woke to the familiar numbness of morphine. He sighed, lifting a hand to run it over his face. Damn the Joker... How much time had he lost? How much damage had that madman done to Gotham? How long was he going to be recovering?

"Good morning, Master Bruce. I think you'll want to watch the news with breakfast." Alfred's calm voice was a merciful break from the storm of Bruce's thoughts. He looked up at his butler, seeing the man already had a tray of food and the remote for the nearby television. 

"Perfect timing as always, Alfred." Bruce said, his voice hoarse as he sat up. He didn't usually watch TV while eating, but... Alfred clearly thought it was important. He turned on local news, not sure what to expect.

"-tropolis is in chaos! The sudden influx of super villains has come as a complete shock and law enforcement simply cannot keep up! Even Superman is baffled, villains from all over the country seem to be congregating in Metropolis for a carnival of evil!" The anchorwoman looked on the verge of panic, her hair askew as she practically shouted at the camera. Behind her was what looked like live footage of Metropolis. People screaming in terror, running for their lives as...

...As Clayface charged through the streets. Behind him, Poison Ivy was already turning an office building into a greenhouse. And off to the side... was that Mr. Freeze? Bruce stared, open-mouthed at the bedlam that had become Metropolis. 

"It seems that the criminal underground has emigrated, Master Bruce. I was wondering if you might have any idea why." Alfred sounded vaguely amused as he watched Bruce at a loss for words. "You also received a letter." He added, placing a pale green envelope on the tray in front of Bruce.

A scratchy letter B was written on the front, surrounded by a lopsided heart. Bruce opened the envelope with shaking fingers, dreading what might be inside.

_Get well soon, Batsy! I'm taking a vacation, too, thought I might do some sightseeing. I hear Metropolis is lovely this time of year!_

_-J_

Bruce shuddered and set the letter down. Well, at least that answered a few questions. And raised so many others...

Sighing, Bruce turned off the TV before picking up his fork.

"Remind me to apologize to Clark once my leg is healed."

 


End file.
